Zoom Filters, depression, and gluten-free pizza

 

Image Credit: Blog.Zoom.us
  You obviously clicked on this because of it's weird name. Or maybe because you got an email that I had posted? Or maybe you saw the image on Google Images and clicked it to see if you could use the image in your blog post. (You can, with credit to Zoom.) The options are infinite, just like FILTERS ON ZOOM! Did you hear about the guy who showed up to his judicial hearing on Zoom, and had a cat filter turned on? How can you take a guy seriously if he looks like a flipping cat? Welp, today is a magnificent day. (Yesterday, really, but I only got the update today.) Today, Zoom released a new update for iPads. And on said update, FILTERS ARE ENABLED! This means I can FINALLY look like I'm in a video game, or like I'm in a movie theatre and IM THE MOVIE! Oh, you don't know HOW happy this makes me. For the longest time I've been upset with my iPad/Chromebook setup, with my iPad for Zooms and my Chromebook for everything else. For so long I have yearned for a real computer. Now, though? Now those feelings are quenched. WHOOOOOOOOOO! 

Let's move on to the second part of this article. Depression. I am not currently suffering from depression, let me make that clear. No, no sir-ee. Earlier in the pandemic I most certainly was, but not anymore. However, sometimes I say to myself "I'm not depressed, but I do want to die!" I don't want to die. Life has too much to offer, and think about all the things I haven't done yet! But I have thought that sometimes I want to lie down, go to sleep, and wake up at the end of the pandemic. I'll count my losses, and move on! There's no reason I need to engage in the pandemic! If you are even considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) or the Trevor Project (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/) because you are loved, and you don't deserve to die. Believe me, I've been there. It. Gets. Better.

We now arrive to probably the funniest article I've posted yet. Gluten-free pizza. 

To be clear, this isn't my mom's fault. My sister and I were not doing our chores, and am the one who suggested this app.

My mom has been complaining that my sister and I aren't doing our chores. Suddenly, the app of the day on the App Store is "S'mores: Your Partner in Parenting." It's a chores app, where for every chore you complete, you get a certain amount of S'mores. (Virtual S'mores.) These S'mores are a kind of virtual currency, and once you have a certain amount of S'mores, you can get a reward that the parent has set up. One reward that my mother set up was "Order Pizza" for five hundred S'mores. This may seem insignificant to you American normies, but my mother has never, ever, let us order pizza to the house. So me and my sister quickly racked up five hundred S'mores, and proceeded to ask my mother whether we could cash in and get the Pizza. Here's what she said:

"Well, first we have to find a place that has gluten-free pizza because you know that [sister's name] is gluten-free. And we have to find a place that delivers here, because we are quite rural in PASADENA."

So obviously me and my sister were mad. And Pasadena is not rural. We have CalTech! Me and my sister asked fifteen times after this, and the latest answer is "nowhere delivers gluten-free pizza." So me and my sister aren't really doing chores anymore. I'd call that a fail. But wait! My mother added "eight gigabyte silicon thumbdrive" to the rewards section of the app for 1000 S'mores. Now there's an incentive! Now that I think about it, that was not very funny. Thanks for still being here.

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